Feeling Unlovable

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You are Important was definitely the hardest article I’ve had to write in my life! It was written at a time when I was questioning my own existence and didn’t see much more to life anymore. Looking back now, I feel like writing it was a test to push me past my pain and truly envision if truly, I wanted life no more.

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Why did I write it then? Well, the truth is that I hate to back down from things I’ve promised to do and since I had agreed to participate in the ‘Inspire Week’ created by another blogger(Chioma Anulika), I didn’t want to let her down or seem rude for backing out after already agreeing to participate. The thing is, I had agreed without knowing the topic that she’ll assign me, so after she did, it was a big battle with myself to put pen to paper. I really didn’t want to write it because I no longer knew why I was still living. I really felt no one cared, so there was no use going on with life. I counted all the people close to me and thought of how they might feel or be affected if I ceased to exist and I came to the conclusion that they’d be fine. Actually, I wasn’t sure how 1 person might cope or how it would affect her growing up. So even if I had been very mentally damaged to contemplate ending my own life, I might not have done so because of her.

I had cried many times. I couldn’t count 1 single thing in my life that was working right. Career, family, friendships, partnerships…. NOTHING! It seemed like only me cared about me. I begged, even if 1 thing could go right, I would cling unto that while working and being patient on the others. Yet… nothing! If you’ve watched Greenleaf(series) and remember the episode where Grace Greenleaf was at the altar crying to God “You see my heart” Yeah that was me, on my bedroom floor crying, saying the same thing and challenging to be gone if indeed I was as useless, unworthy and unlovable as I felt.

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Why was I still living? Why did I continue to exist when so many others with promising lives had died? Why was I still hear? I begged to sleep and not ever wake up again…. still, nothing.

So after all my crying, self pity and bashing, the only thing I could come up with was- I am important because I exist. Among the thousands that had died that year, I hadn’t and for that, I must have been important. So I wrote my article and shared it, ending with-

“You are important because you exist. There are a number of things that could have happened, yet you’re here.  You breathe, therefore you are.” You can still read it here.

You are important because you exist. There are a number of things that could have happened, yet you’re here. You breathe, therefore you are. Click To Tweet

 

I say all this because I know that I’m not the only one who has felt this way. This feeling of being overlooked or unlovable is universal. So what can we do whenever this forlorn feeling creeps up? I can’t say for you, but I overcome it by reminding myself of the dreams I want to achieve, the purpose I feel I’ve been called to and remembering that if all the hardships were to be taken away, I’d never have a doubt of my place in the world. So I make myself understand that even with those clouds above my head, there’s still so much to live and love for. And even if I’ll have to continue to love myself all by myself for a little while more, then so be it.

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I finally surrendered all my worries and cares to God and never looked back. It’s almost 2 years since then and favours have been finding me. Am I fully over it or passed the hurdle? Not quite. But I’m stronger, charged and determined than ever. And most importantly, I’m happier and fearless than I ever was.

If you ever find yourself in a similar place, do try to remember that you’re not alone and that I’m always open to chat if you ever need it.

 

Love always,

Lize

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